Estranged on Father’s Day

When we’ve experienced relational trauma, parental hurt, or dysfunctional family relationships, Father’s Day may summon a mix of emotions.

Emotions ranging from anger, relief, sadness, disgust, disbelief, loneliness, acceptance, indifference, grief, liberation, guilt, betrayal, and shame…can all feel like a tidal wave of emotions, thoughts, and memories continuously crashing throughout the day— or the entire Father’s Day weekend.

Whether this tidal wave is a result of years of a difficult relationship with your father or rushing in unexpectedly after you thought you’ve made peace with estrangement, remember that holidays have a way of stirring up what lies beneath.

When this happens, we often think we are going backwards in our healing journey with thoughts like:

“I’m not supposed to be feeling this way.”

“I thought I was over this.”

“Was I wrong to walk away?”

“Am I overacting?”

“After all these years he can still make me mad…”

“I should be healed by now.”

“Maybe I should call...”

“I’m glad I walked away but I miss having somebody…”

But these thoughts don’t automatically mean you are going backwards. It means you are human. It means you are navigating the painful reality of dysfunctional estranged family relationships. It means you are responding to being bombarded with images, media, and products of fathers and family relationships that reflect joy, love, and connection while the opposite is all you’ve known. It means you are having a reasonable reaction to something understandably upsetting.

So instead of believing this tidal wave means you are going backwards, I invite you to consider the tidal wave as an opening to continue in your healing journey with self-compassion and truth.

How?

By acknowledging and holding space for your truth.

By allowing your emotions to flow out with journaling, tears, or a punch to a pillow.

By being present with your body and tending to your needs.

By continuing to choose you over toxic, abusive, and dysfunctional family.

By validating your emotions they way the little you needed.

By doing something that makes you feel good and in the present moment.

By spending time with connections and in communities that fulfill you.

By taking the day, or weekend, one hour, one moment, one breath at a time.

This isn’t a stop or pause to your healing, it’s a continuation of being fully present with your emotions and needs. That’s what healing is about. Not the absence of emotional pain or struggle, but the capacity to witness and be attuned to your experience with self-compassion, self-awareness, and responsiveness.

If today feels overwhelming or incredibly difficulty, and you realize that maybe more support could be helpful to your healing journey, then please feel free to reach out. You do not have to navigate the complexities of parental hurt alone.

If you are experiencing a crisis, then please contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255, or Text HOME to the Crisis Text Line number 741741, or call 911.