Overcoming the Shame of a Broken Family

For so many, there is a weight of shame attached to growing up in a broken home with broken family relationships.

The shame of not knowing your biological parent(s). The shame of not being close as a family. The shame of dysfunction, addictions, secrets, abuse, incarceration, mental illness, toxicity, etc. This shame can feel like a dark cloud following you where ever you go that says, “There is something wrong with me- I don’t come from a ‘normal’ family. Everyone else seems to have the love, care, and connection I long for. But I only know brokenness. My own home doesn’t even feel like home. I’m ashamed of my family so I'm ashamed of myself…”

Overcoming the shame of a broken family is a process of unlearning and relearning, with truth, self-compassion, time, and reclaiming your story and identity. Here’s how.

Name what’s underneath

Shame rarely stands only. Beneath it, there may be feelings of anger, fear, disillusionment, longing, confusion, grief, powerlessness, or exhaustion. The shame you feel has a voice. It has a story. Tune into the story behind shame by allowing yourself to name, feel, and witness underlying emotions without judgement. Allow these emotions to flow out with somatic tools and movement.

Address the stigma

Shame often grows in silence. And a part of that silence comes from societal messages and judgements like, “But that’s your mother..”, “You only get one father.”, “Honor thy mother and father…”, and “Blood is thicker than water.” These messages are more than sayings- these are stigmas. Stigmas that fuel feelings of shame, often leading us to experience the pain of a broken or dysfunctional family in isolation. We are left feeling deeply misunderstood, judged, and alone.

But the truth is, no matter how “perfect” a family may appear to be, all families have their unique challenges, stories, and issues. Strained relationships, misunderstandings, conflicts, unspoken pain are more common than it may seem. And while it is true that the difference lies in how families respond to and repair concerns, don’t mistake for one moment that you are the only one navigating the complexities family relationships. That being said, abuse in any form is not a reflection of “every family has flaws.” Abuse is harm and absolutely unacceptable.

Additionally, family is a deeply personal and complex system. Stigmas about family are often rooted in a narrow and incomplete understanding of this reality, minimizing factors such as abuse, trauma, dysfunction, loss, tragedy, life changes and circumstances, culture, disability, systemic oppression, mental illness, and displacement. Addressing stigmas means seeing them as just that, harmful societal narratives. And like all stigmas, once we recognize them, we challenge and replace them with truth, compassion, and inclusivity. This is no different. Give yourself permission to challenge and replace stigmas about family that leave you with feelings of shame.

Separate your worth from their choices

You are not responsible for your parents and family’s choices. Their choices are a reflection of them, not you. Read that again. Their choices are a reflection of them, not you.

As a child, internalizing your parents’ behavior is a developmentally appropriate response to a lack of responsiveness and safety. It’s a survival strategy. That by believing you must be the problem, you preserve the illusion of connection to remain dependent on them for whatever safety, stability, or love you can still access- even if it's inconsistent or harmful. Internalizing is not a weakness, it’s adaptation.

Now as an adult, you can recognize this behavior for what it is- a coping mechanism. You can honor the purpose it served when you couldn’t meet your own needs, while also replacing this behavior with effective emotional boundaries, deeper understanding, self-compassion, and an accurate reflection that you are not your family’s choices.

Choose a path forward

Overcoming the shame of a broken family invites us to make new meaning about who we are, our values, and what family truly means to us. Choosing a path forward might look like setting boundaries, finding chosen family, estrangement, or selective contact. Whichever way you choose to manage your family relationships, choosing a path forward is also about giving yourself permission to live fully, even with a painful family history. You are allowed to move toward a life that feels whole, even if your family never was.