Your Partner is Not Your Parent - How Reparenting Yourself Supports Lasting Love

Many of us, often without realizing it, are looking for a partner to be the parent we never had. To make us feel safe, seen, and enough. To make us feel loved in all the ways we didn’t receive as a child, and maybe even as an adult too.

And while relationships can be healing, and your partner can absolutely be loving, supportive, and emotionally present, the deep work of healing from parental wounds or relational trauma is yours to own. It’s not your partner’s job to fix you, rescue you, reparent you, or to be the loving parent figure you never had.

Even if you understand this logically, it’s okay to feel disappointed reading that. The experience of parental hurt or relational trauma can leave you yearning for emotional safety and attunement. And oftentimes as children, daydreaming or fantasizing about being loved when that isn’t your reality can be a way to cope, preserve hope, and to feel some sense of connection — even if it’s imaginary. So parting with the fantasy can be deeply disappointing.

It’s okay to hold space for the grief that comes with recognizing your partner’s limitations and the need to release childhood fantasies. At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that allowing those fantasies to shape your adult relationships can carry real consequences.

That fantasy can quickly turn into loading your partner with silent expectations rooted in unmet childhood needs, and can recreate the very attachment dynamics you’re trying to escape. You may find yourself unconsciously replaying old attachment patterns — chasing, clinging, avoiding, shutting down, performing, or blaming, all while hoping your partner can see your pain and respond the way your parents/caregiver never did.

This unconscious attachment behavior can leave both you and your partner feeling confused, triggered, frustrated, hurt, and misunderstood.

The key to cultivating a securely attached relationship and corrective emotional experiences is taking ownership of healing these old wounds and reparenting yourself so you may show up with realistic, healthy expectations and earned secure attachment behaviors. This is good news! Taking ownership of your healing means you don’t have to wait on somebody else to do it for you. You can own your power and ability to choose your path.

What your partner can do is love and support you through your healing—not instead of it. Reparenting means becoming the safe, nurturing, steady presence to yourself that you never had. And when you begin to offer that to yourself, you free your partner from the pressure of being your savior, and allow the relationship to flourish from a place of wholeness instead of pain.

Want to deepen this work? Feel free to reach out for a 15-minute consultation for individual or couples therapy. Together, we can explore the patterns keeping you stuck and begin uncovering new paths to a healthy, loving relationship.