The Ebbs and Flows of Going No Contact With Family
Going no contact with family is a deeply personal decision, and the journey that follows is just as unique.
There are many different reasons, seasons, and circumstances to a no contact journey. But one thing that many share in common is that this journey comes with ebbs and flows.
Some days, it may feel like relief, peace, and freedom has finally arrived. And other days, feelings of loneliness, guilt, anger, disappointment, disbelief, or sadness rushes in unexpectedly.
This is normal. This is called grief. Loss. Adjustment. Healing. Even if going no contact was the best and most necessary decision, it’s still a shift in your reality. The grief can be related to terminating the relationship(s), coming to terms with the family you never had or will have, or letting go of the hope that one day things could be different. The grief can be related to letting go of a version of yourself that stayed, that tried, that endured. The grief can be related to simply not knowing what’s next. Or, the grief can be related to all the above.
The Ebbs: The moments of doubt, grief, and second-guessing. The quiet guilt that creeps in when you wonder if you were too harsh, over-reacting, or if you should have tried harder. The loneliness that can arise even when you know you made the right choice. The realization that your support system will look different now. The ache for the family you needed but didn’t have, and the confusion of missing people who caused you harm. Answering questions like, “How is your dad?” without going into detail yet uncertain of how to respond. The memories of pain and moments of joy. Learning how to navigate the holidays and family gatherings while still honoring your choice and boundaries. The relationships that got cut off or changed by association. The thoughts of what was hoped and longed for. The questions that may never get answers.
The Flows: You did it. You finally decided to remove yourself from an environment that was damaging and hurtful. There is relief in the space you’ve created… more clarity, more emotional safety, and more room to be yourself. To be free. Your nervous system begins to settle. You notice moments of peace, stronger boundaries, and a deeper trust in your own judgment. Slowly, you start to create a new reality that aligns with your values and need for emotional safety, balanced mental health, and safe relationships. You can see the hurtful behaviors for what they really were, and you feel good knowing you walked away from chaos, enmeshment, toxicity, narcissistic abuse, triangulation, dysfunction, and emotional immaturity. You finally chose you.
Holding both the ebbs and the flows, the grief and the relief, is a part of this process.
The key is to notice these ebbs and flows without judgment and with self-compassion. When the waves of doubt come, check in with yourself: Am I safe? Am I honoring my boundaries? Am I giving myself the compassion I deserve? What have I gained since distancing myself? What ultimately lead me to this decision? What patterns am I now protected from? How has my life improved? How have I improved?
Going no contact is both an act of courage and a process. Some days you’ll feel strong, other days vulnerable, and both are okay. What matters is that you keep returning to yourself, over and over, learning to trust that choosing peace doesn’t make you bad or wrong…it makes you a human who is allowed to have limits and allowed to protect your mental health.
If this journey is particularly difficult or you just need some extra support right now, schedule a 15-minute consultation for counseling as we specialize in relational trauma. You don’t have journey alone.