If you have a complicated relationship with your family of origin or you are healing from childhood relational trauma, the thought of holiday gatherings often brings an emotional wave: dread, heavy guilt, high anxiety, and a deep sense of internal conflict. Every year, many adult children find themselves asking the exact same question:
“Should I spend time with my family for the holidays or not?”
If you are currently stuck in this back-and-forth struggle, please know this first: the ambivalence you feel is completely valid. Deciding whether to spend time with family when there is a history of the relationship experienced as painful, repeatedly fractured, or harmful is not a simple decision.
Here are a few things to consider to support your decision making.
1. Shift from Obligation to Choice
Growing up in a toxic or dysfunctional family dynamic often teaches us that maintaining the peace of others is our responsibility. You may have been conditioned to step into the role of the peacemaker, the emotional buffer, the comedic relief, or the obedient child to keep the family system stable.
As an adult, that conditioning can make choosing your own well-being feel like an act of betrayal.
When you ask yourself if you should visit, notice the tone of that word: should.
Should is rooted in obligation, fear, rigid expectation, or external pressure. Replacing "What should I do?" with "What do I have the capacity to navigate right now?" shifts you from survival mode back into self-agency.
2. The Decision Checklist: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself
Before booking a ticket or packing your bags, take time to reflect on these five questions:
Does visiting put your physical or emotional safety at risk?
Are you hoping for a version of your family that doesn’t exist?
What does your body tell you when you think about going?
Can you set and hold firm boundaries while there?
What is the emotional cost of going vs. not?
What to Do If You Decide NOT to Visit Difficult or Toxic Family for the Holidays
If skipping family gatherings is the healthiest choice for you this year, give yourself permission to feel the common mix of emotions that often follow— guilt, relief, anxiety, sadness, and peace. Keep your communication clear and brief without over-explaining (e.g., "I won't be able to make it to Thanksgiving dinner this year, but I hope everyone has a wonderful day").
Prepare for potential pushback, remembering that another person's reaction to your boundaries is a reflection of their capacity, not your worth. Most importantly, as best as it is in your capacity, do not allow any negative reaction to pressure you to change your decision or make you feel awful.
The unfortunately reality is that they may not take well to your decision. Intend to take good care of yourself after you let them know. Even when you know you are making the best decision, it can still be incredibly hard.
What to Do If You DO Decide to Visit Difficult or Toxic Family for the Holidays
If you’ve landed on going then know that this doesn’t mean you have to surrender your peace or engage in dysfunction. Instead, it means you must be intentional about your options, boundaries, and self-care.
Protect your autonomy by staying in a hotel or driving your own car so you can leave whenever your limit is reached. Set your non-negotiable boundaries ahead of time regarding how long you’ll stay and which topics are strictly off-limits. Use grounding tools—like deep breaths or feeling your feet on the floor—to keep your nervous system calm when triggers surface. If you partner or a friend is tagging along, agree on a signal beforehand so they know when you need support or are ready to leave without causing a scene. If you're attending alone, keep a trusted friend on standby for quick check-ins to keep you anchored in your reality.
If there are other family members present that you do enjoy and have safe relationship with, try to spend more time with them while at the gathering. If you have a smaller family that could mean everyone is in the same room at all times, so build in frequent, intentional micro-breaks like stepping into another room to wash your hands, stepping outside for fresh air, or offering to run a quick errand to give your nervous system space to decompress. Above all, remind yourself that you don't have to participate in every conversation or justify your boundary when it's time to step away.
If you are hosting the gathering in your own home, remember that hospitality does not mean surrendering your personal space or emotional safety. You have full permission to establish clear house rules ahead of time, define clear start and end times for the event, and designate private areas of your home (like your primary bedroom or office) as strictly off-limits. If things get intense, you can step away to "check on food in the kitchen" or take a quick break in your private space to regulate your nervous system.
Need more support? Then consider joining our workshop “Home for the Holidays: Navigating Difficult Family Relationships During the Holidays” on Tuesday, December 15th at 6:30PM EST. This 75-minute workshop will cover what to do when emotional triggers come up, somatic and practical tools for stressful moments, and a personal game plan to protect your peace this season. Learn more and save your spot below.